You walk into your 10-year-old son’s room to announce the end of ‘Minecraft-time’ and hear moans emanating from his phone. Your son immediately pushes the phone under the pillow, but you freeze. Should you scold him for watching porn or feign ignorance? You know you can’t stop the inevitable — kids are curious and most see X-rated content, by accident or deliberately, by the age of 11 or 12.
That’s why experts suggest
talking to kids about porn
, early and often.
Anju Kish
, founder of sexuality and safety education venture UnTaboo, tells us how parents can navigate this conversation
UnTaboo founder Anju Kish.
In today’s digital age, the accessibility of explicit content, including pornography, poses a significant concern for parents. Porn viewing amongst very young kids is commonplace today. Questions like “Why do girls moan during sex?” are being asked by kids as young as 11 or 12 during sexuality education sessions in schools. Yet, most parents are hesitant to discuss porn, fearing that such discussions might spark curiosity. In an era where children are more online than offline, it is best to acknowledge the fact that explicit content is often just a click away and take proactive action rather than staying in denial. Having these conversations is vital as exposure to explicit and violent content in modern pornography can convey distorted and harmful views about sex, relationships, and safety, potentially leading to long-term repercussions for the child.
The question arises, when is the right time to talk about it? Should you discuss porn before your child has seen it, or only when you notice porn sites in the search history of their device? The answer is clear: it’s always better to engage in an open conversation before exposure. Delaying the talk only prolongs the potential harm caused by misconceptions. Let’s delve into the question of how to start this delicate conversation.
- Find a quiet, comfortable time for a conversation where you won’t be interrupted, ideally during a sit-down activity like painting.
- Start by casually asking the child about the most shocking or fascinating thing they have seen online. Take turns mentioning these things, turning it into a game. Maintain a neutral and friendly tone. If they hesitate, share something shocking you have encountered to encourage openness. For instance, you could mention stumbling upon a video of a woman hitting her child with a cricket bat or witnessing a group of kids bullying another child over their weight. If porn doesn’t naturally come up through this game, share your own experiences as a teen. You might say that a friend once showed you a video of a boy tearing the clothes off a girl, and reveal how shocked you were. Make it clear that videos like these are inappropriate. Use simple language to explain what pornography is, saying something like ‘porn is videos or pictures of people without clothes on, or videos of them doing private things.’
- To discourage the child, you can simply say: “I don’t want you to watch these kinds of videos as they can be confusing and scary, can negatively impact the mind, and it is not legal for a child to view such content.” You could even add that the cyber police can track where these videos are being watched and take action. Mention that sometimes, inappropriate pop-ups and ads may appear, and they should never click on them as it could lead them into the unsafe territory of porn. Be open to answering questions and reassure them that they can always come to you with their questions or concerns.
If you are dealing with a teenager, keep the following in mind:
Time it right: Start the conversation when you are out for a drive or for a walk so the child and you can focus your eyes on the road ahead and not on each other. This may help make things less awkward.
Be general: Begin by asking casual questions like “Do all teens watch porn?” or “Do you think that’s a good idea?”. If they seem embarrassed, express that it’s a reality and nothing to be ashamed of. Admit that you too find it awkward to have this conversation, but you believe that it’s an important one to have. Assure them that you are there to guide, not criticise.
Use everyday situations: If you come across an explicit scene while watching a movie, discuss it after the movie ends. Ask their view about the importance of physical intimacy in a relationship and the right age for it. Talk about how consent is crucial in any relationship. Discuss what is appropriate and inappropriate in the way media and porn project things.
Don’t give labels: Keep the conversation open, honest, and non-judgmental. Do not call porn 'bad', 'sinful' or any such term. Tell your teen that you understand their curiosity and know that it is common to have an urge to view some adult content, but one also needs to understand its negative impact.
Discuss the difference between reel and real: Explain that what one sees on screen is not reflective of real relationships. Real relationships involve emotions, care and mutual understanding. Mention that porn actors may alter their bodies through surgeries to look a certain way or take medications to perform for longer durations.
Discourage copycat behaviour: Advise your teen that when they grow up and get into a relationship, they should not imitate porn videos, as these set unrealistic standards. Emphasise that while porn may make aggression look desirable, it is wrong to force someone to do something they are not comfortable doing. It is also wrong to give in to a partner’s sexual demands if they don’t wish to. Stress the importance of respect and consent at every step of an intimate relationship.
If you discover your child watching porn, avoid blaming, shaming or reacting with anger. Instead assure them that it is okay to have questions about sexuality. Step up, get over your hesitations and open those doors of communication, paving the way to raising a positively responsible generation.
English (US) ·