In life, we all have our fair share of embarrassing moments. But how they affect us depends entirely on how we choose to deal with them.
For this Redditor, that choice wasn’t so easy. They recently hosted a friend for a few nights, and everything seemed fine—until after the visit, when they noticed something unusual. The $1500 couch their guest had slept on was broken. A real pity, to say the least.
Now, they’re stuck wondering: should they ask her to pay for the damage, or is that price too high to risk their friendship?
The woman stayed at her friend’s house for a few nights and accidentally broke their $1500 couch
Image credits: LightFieldStudios/Envato (not the actual photo)
Now, the host is left wondering: should they ask her to pay, or is that price too high to risk their friendship?
Image credits: Hans Isaacson/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No-Material-5332
How to have “difficult” conversations
This situation is undoubtedly an uncomfortable one. The host is upset about their expensive couch. The friend feels terrible for breaking it. Neither of them wanted this to happen. Yet it seems that some kind of conversation is necessary to clear the air.
These discussions are often labeled as “difficult,” but psychotherapist and retired palliative care physician Dr. Kathryn Mannix prefers a different term: “tender.” With decades of experience supporting patients and families through the complexities of incurable illnesses, Dr. Mannix has a deep understanding of how to approach strained situations. She shares more about this in her book Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations.
Of course, talking about a broken couch is far from the weight of discussing a terminal illness. Still, Dr. Mannix’s insights offer guidance that applies to many situations—“not just about end-of-life conversations, but about all those conversations that we feel a bit daunted about.”
The word “tender” resonates because it conveys empathy and acknowledges the vulnerability in both yourself and the person you’re speaking with. “It’s about being intentionally, fully present,” Dr. Mannix told Dr. Brian Goldman, host of CBC Radio One’s White Coat, Black Art.
Image credits: Nini FromParis/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Below are five key tips Dr. Mannix shares for handling tender conversations, as summarized by CBC.
- Start with a cup of tea: According to Dr. Mannix, the way you invite someone to a tender conversation sets the tone. Offering a warm beverage can be a meaningful gesture, especially when there’s a power imbalance. “It is a signal that we are now becoming people with each other,” she explains. A simple cup of tea or coffee says, “I’m here with you.”
- A conversation should be like a dance: Dr. Mannix likens tender conversations to a dance—where one person leads, but never forces. The balance comes through asking questions, allowing the other person to guide the flow. In this way, the leader becomes the listener, helping the conversation move naturally to where it needs to go.
- Be curious, open-minded and humble: Rather than rushing to offer advice, Dr. Mannix encourages asking open-ended questions, such as, “Do you have any information about this situation? Have you ever dealt with a problem like that in the past? If a friend had a problem like this, what would you advise them to do? What worries you the most about the situation?” These questions help the person articulate their thoughts, name their fears, and process their emotions at their own pace.
- Never use the phrase, “At least…”: While it may feel natural to encourage someone to look on the bright side, saying “at least” can come across as dismissive or hurtful. It minimizes their pain instead of validating it. As tempting as it may be, avoid this phrase altogether.
- Use the power of silence: Sometimes, the most impactful thing you can do is say nothing at all. “It’s just to shut up, get out of the way verbally and allow the person to feel those sorrowful or angry feelings and just be present,” Dr. Mannix says. “It’s incredible how much people want to help, but oftentimes, the most valuable gift at a moment of crisis is silent companionship.”
The author shared in the replies that the friend knew about the damage but didn’t admit it out of shame
Many readers felt that asking her to pay might ruin the friendship and wasn’t worth it
Other, however, insisted that she should take responsibility and compensate for the couch
After hearing the advice, the author made the choice to let it go and not ask their friend to pay
English (US) ·