Made in heaven: What makes some marriages last a lifetime

It is often said that marriages are

made in heaven

. And in India, marriages are considered to be a sacred union-- not just between two individuals but also their respective families. Marriage is one of the most profound relationships two people can enter-- it is a commitment to love and accept each other; to stand by each other in sickness and in health. It is a universal cultural institution which is deeply ingrained in human society. People get married for various reasons like love, companionship, family-building, financial security, social standing, and religious fulfillment. Regardless of the motivation, marriage is regarded as an important milestone in a person’s life.

But then, why do some marriages fall apart while others last a lifetime?
A report by the World Popular Review reads, 'According to data from the United Nations and other sources, the country with the highest divorce rate in the world in 2020 was the Maldives, which recorded 2984 divorces against a population of 540,544, resulting in a divorce rate of 5.52 per 1000 people. This is actually a notable step down from the country's widely publicized rate of 10.97 in 2002, which earned the country a Guinness World Record.' Meanwhile, the divorce rates in India have also increased over the years. An analysis of the data by Periodic Labour Force Survey (PLFS) in 2024 suggests that 'more Indians are getting divorced now than seven years ago and the proportion of divorced or separated women in rural areas is on the rise,' reports Moneycontrol. It further reads, 'In urban India, the ratio of divorced men has risen faster, from 0.3 percent in 2017-18 to 0.5 percent in 2023-24. Among the women surveyed by PLFS in cities, 0.7 percent were divorced, compared with 0.6 percent seven years back'.

This makes one wonder, what is causing so many couples to call it quits when faced with marital challenges and is it the right decision? Talking about this, spiritual guide and mentor Sister Shivani said on 'ANI Podcast with Smita Prakash', "If there's violence or abuse involved then yes (getting a divorce is the right decision). Apart from that, a majority of things can be healed. But today we find people moving out so easily. The ability to want to work on it is lacking because getting a divorce is an easier way out... Also there's lots of social acceptance for divorce now. When we were growing up then also there were divorces, but there was so much social stigma attached to it that people won't even tell... Still, people separated but only in very serious situations. But when society starts accepting divorces, then it starts happening very often."

But then, why is it that the people getting married today have a higher rate of divorce? Talking about this, she elaborated, "In the last two decades or so, we have been so busy in our outer progress and suddenly we have so much technology around us. So even after being home, we were not or are not at home. We prioritised work, business, profession-- everything revolves around that and certain things got neglected. We made stress a normal part of our life; we were coming home stressed every day. So we are radiating that lower vibration energy to our children and in most cases we have brought up our children emotionally weaker. Now imagine two such children getting married... Another thing, in very wealthy families children don't listen to a no because they are used to getting things easily. The children are asked about their likes and dislikes, and everything is according to them-- this is fragile parenting... Now imagine two people, who have not learnt to listen to a no, getting married and living together... They aren't able to listen to nos now and adjust-- because they didn't do it earlier."

On the contrary, there are some other couples who manage to maintain a strong, loving bond that survives the test of time. What is it that they are doing differently from others that makes their marriage work? A Reddit thread titled 'People who have a successful marriage, what qualities made it?' reveals some common traits that netizens believe can lead to a long and happy marriage. They are: Honesty, communication and being a good listener, respect, empathy, having certain boundaries, a desire to grow together, conflict management, and good management of finances.

Here are some psychology-based key habits that make marriages work:

1. Having strong communication skills
Communication is key for any relationship to thrive, including a successful marriage. According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading marriage researchers, the way couples communicate can predict the success or failure of their relationship with over 90% accuracy. Gottman’s research highlights the importance of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in communication, namely— criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. One should avoid these negative communication patterns, and instead practice gratitude, understanding, and compromise for marriages to work in the long run.

2. Cultivate emotional intimacy and vulnerability
Beyond physical intimacy, emotional intimacy plays an important role in marriages that last for many years. Couples who are more secure with each other and feel emotionally connected build stronger bonds. Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor specialising in vulnerability, emphasises that true connection stems from the courage to be vulnerable.

3. Have respect and admiration for each other
While love is what brings couples together, it is respect that keeps them together in the long run. Instead of wanting your partner to change, accept them as they are. Appreciate their strengths, and avoid belittling them. As per the 'Michelangelo Effect', people who are in happy and strong relationships help each other into becoming their best selves. When couples encourage each other’s personal growth and celebrate achievements, their bond deepens and becomes more resilient over time.

4. Be adaptable to your partner
Dr. Susan David, a psychologist specializing in emotional agility, stresses on the importance of being adaptable and flexible in relationships. The reason: Emotionally agile couples can adjust to changes and have a growth-mindset; this strengthens their bond especially in challenging times.

5. Resolve conflicts in a positive manner
Conflicts are a part of any relationship, including marriage. However, what matters is how couples handle conflicts and bring solutions to their problems. Instead of avoiding difficult conversations or blaming each other, couples in successful marriages work through their problems in a respectful and solution-focused manner.
6. Spend quality time together
Over time, responsibilities and routines can make couples drift apart. So, prioritise quality time, and grow together as a couple-- this will keep the relationship exciting and going. The 'Self-Expansion Theory' also suggests that people have a higher satisfaction in relationships when they experience personal growth along with their partners.
7. Have shared goals and values

While opposites may attract, long-lasting marriages are often built on shared values and goals. Whether it is financial priorities, parenting ways, or religious beliefs, being on the same page helps couples avoid major conflicts and work together as a team.