With the increasing awareness of toxic masculinity in this day and age, what it means to “be a man” isn’t the same as it used to be. What may have been scoffed at in the past may be praised and lauded today. 

To clear the confusion, the ever-opinionated people of Reddit gave their take when they answered the question, “What's a good sign a dude is secure in his masculinity?” Answers poured in as users provided their own definitions, many of which defy what a self-proclaimed “alpha male” would say about himself. 

Read through these responses, and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!

#1

A middle school teacher told me “only a boy cares about being called a man. A man doesn’t care what he is called.”.

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#2

He's not afraid to express his feelings, whether it's joy, sadness, or fear. He knows that being vulnerable doesn't diminish his strength.

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#3

He doesn't need everything to be a competition, especially with women. He's just fine with women who are smarter than he is and who make more money, and he's perfectly happy to listen to them without needing to try to talk over them to preserve his ego.

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#4

He's friendly to everyone. Doesn't feel the need to act tough and intimidating.

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#5

Confidently expressing yourself, wherever you land on the spectrum of masculinity/femininity. That’s peak to me.

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#6

He doesn’t obsess over it or develop weird rules about what “real” men do. He doesn’t refer to himself as an alpha male.

Nothing screams insecurity like a dude desperately trying to convince everyone how masculine he is.

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#7

I'm planning on being a stay-at-home Dad. It just makes sense when my partner earns more than me and is career-driven.

Some of my mates were giving me sh*t that I'm not a man if I'm not providing for my family. I honestly couldn't care if that's what they think.

I imagine a lot of men would jump at the opportunity to be a stay at home Dad.

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#8

He doesn’t particularly care about other people’s definitions of masculinity.

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#9

He can be around people of all sexual orientations and not be up tight or treat others less than.
We love confident masculinity.
Don’t have to prove anything if you know it within.

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#10

He doesn’t take advice about being a man from online forums.

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#11

My dad was a stay-at-home father and worked part-time nights and weekends. Completely against traditional norms in the 90s-2000s (especially in the south).

I remember growing up, kids would say that my dad was really my 'mom' and would poke fun at him taking on that role.

But he knew my mom loved her career, and his career was long long hours so something had to give. And he sacrificed his career.

To me there’s nothing more masculine than putting your partner and family first, regardless of what is traditional or what others think.

#12

Calm and collected. Doesn't lash out at the slightest of provocation. Doesn't call himself an "alpha male". Doesn't put others down to seem better. Takes responsibility when he f***s up. Humble.

God do I not miss being a teenager. All of these are basically the opposite of a guy I knew. From what I hear from mutual friends, he hasn't changed much.

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#13

Not having to play tit-for-tat or having to get even for every real or perceived slight. Road ragers, talking specifically to you.

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#14

He’s comfortable helping with household chores. Male relatives s**t on my husband for cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and (gasp) making my plate at dinner sometimes, but he just ignores them. It’s nice being with a man who understands that it’s everyone’s responsibility to care for the home, not just those with two X chromosomes.

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#15

Not being so obsessed with 'disrespect'. Being able to let it roll off your back when someone slights you, and not having to have a loud confrontation about it.

That doesn’t mean be a pushover or never stand up for yourself. All I’m saying is, when the drunk guy at the bar stumbles into you, no need to get into a bar fight.

Don’t scream at the jerk who steals your parking spot. Pick your battles—not everything is an affront to your masculinity.

#16

He doesn't feel the need to conform with something just because it's traditionally "masculine" if he doesn't want to.

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#17

Crying once in awhile. And being a tough guy once in awhile.

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#18

He’ll let his daughter paint his nails.

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#19

My husband and I went to a gay bar for a friend’s birthday. Two different guys came up and gave him little gifts and a flirt. He took it as a compliment. That’s being secure.

#20

I’ll use my dad as an example.

He pursues his interests no matter what they may be.

My dad was a butcher and a car mechanic. He trained in the armed forces.

He also learned to sew, embroider, cook, bake, style hair, garden and emboss leather.

He could fix a broken sink, tune up the car, do the laundry, iron his shirts, make the bed change the baby’s diaper, bake a cake and cook dinner.

No one ever questioned his manliness, though that might because he could also tear your arm off and beat senseless you with it.

#21

You have to be strong to be a man because it takes great strength to be genuinely kind. The hallmark of a true man is kindness. All manliness springs from kindness. Yes.....even courage.

#22

Can listen and respond to constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack.

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#23

That he treats other people with kindness and respect.

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#24

Is a true ally to women and minorities. Show politeness and kindness to complete strangers. Acts as equal to others at all things. Treats those in service jobs as humans who are trying their damnedest to get through the day. Ummm…what else. Oh yeah, don’t listen to garbage podcasts from “Alpha male” wannabes, who are so insecure it is embarrassing to listen to.

#25

He’ll carry around any and all girly stuff for his SO and/or daughters, in public, without question, and seem genuinely pleased to have the opportunity to help them out by doing so.

I’ve known dudes that wouldn’t touch a woman’s purse or even shopping bag, not even temporarily to free up her hands for something she needs to do. No one’s going to *seriously* think it’s yours, and to the a-hole who has to joke, “Nice purse!”, you can just reply, “Thanks! I’ll pass the compliment along to my wife! I agree, she’s got excellent taste.”.

#26

He's not afraid to be truly genuinely silly.

#27

He knows how to cook, clean, and perform basic hygiene and does’t consider those basic life skills to be “women’s work.”.

#28

Not having to proclaim their heterosexuality all the time.

#29

Ability to show and share emotion without it being a big deal.

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#30

No one has to walk on eggshells around him.

#31

He doesn’t feel it necessary to diminish or degrade other people’s masculinity.

#32

I don't know. A good indicator would honestly be the opinion of those around him.

The best compliment of my recent years was from a female coworker. Someone was making a joke about me, and she said, "No baby, that's a real man. Y'all don't know"

I've been thinking about that. Not for myself. But how we can uplift each other and build each other up. Knowledge, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

#33

They embrace a little femininity.  Seriously.  A guy who's insecure will never even *joke* in a way that could make them seem slightly feminine for the duration of the joke.  A guy who's secure will felate their breakfast burrito because it makes the first guy uncomfortable. 


Edit: surprising number of replies seem to be completely missing the point.  The point is that one of the ways you can tell if a guy is secure is that they have no problems doing things that are traditionally seen as very unmanly.  I am not saying this is the only form it takes.  I am not saying they feel they have to do this to prove something - the entire point is the opposite - they do not feel the need to prove something so they aren't limiting themselves to only stuff that curates a traditionally manly persona.  It should have also been obvious that this is not specific to a burrito-job, that's a funny example to illustrate the idea.  I can't believe I used to think reading comprehension was a waste of time in schools. .

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#34

He will let his daughters paint his fingernails and toenails and put pink ribbons in his hair or his beard. Not one milimeter of insecurity there!

Extra points if he goes to work and shows his co-workers the next day. :).

#35

Not asking what is a good sign that a dude is secure in his masculinity is the first step in not being a little weenie.

#36

He owns and uses a bidet. Thinking it’s gay to properly clean your a*s is a huge red flag.