The decision to have kids is undoubtedly an important one. But sometimes partners don’t always see eye-to-eye on timing or whether to start a family at all. This can often be resolved through honest and open communication, which hopefully keeps the couple together.
However, redditor’s Accomplished-Hat3121 case is one example of what not to do if your significant other is set on not wanting children. At first, they were on the same page about living a kid-free lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the boyfriend changed his mind. Instead of communicating this directly to her, he decided to tamper with contraception without her consent.
The decision to start a family should be mutual
Image credits: thelivephotos (not the actual image)
However, this boyfriend tried to “baby trap” his girlfriend because she was always adamant about not wanting children
Image credits: Nate Grigg (not the actual image)
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual image)
Image credits: Accomplished-Hat3121
There’s a strong possibility that a person will change their mind about wanting children
Marriage and family therapist Karen Gail Lewis explains that the decision to start a family should be ideally discussed before the partnership, but even then, there’s a possibility that a person might change their mind.
It’s always a good idea to be prepared if a change of heart occurs. Therefore, Lewis advises that when they are initially talking about having children, they should include a point to discuss what they will do if one has second thoughts. “That way, if it happens, you already have a framework and mutual understanding about how you will proceed,” she adds.
There are all sorts of reasons why a person might not want children, and it’s important to actively listen to where the other person is coming from, even if it can be very tough to do so. Regardless of which side you take, it’s also advisable to consider both viewpoints without judgment, as there’s ultimately no right or wrong answer.
A marriage and family therapist, Jane Hammerslough, mentions that it’s worth trying to walk the other person through your thinking and vice versa. “Keep digging, with open minds, for underlying motivations and emotions. For example, if you think your family isn’t complete yet, try to articulate what that incompleteness means for you.” She also advises going into as much detail as possible when trying to explain how you feel. “If you’re still at an impasse, it might be a good idea to see a therapist to help you navigate this decision,” adds Hammerslough.
Sometimes it may be difficult to get past this issue, and couples might decide to end their relationship if they can’t agree on having kids. According to Hammerslough, only the person can decide if a need for a baby outweighs the desire to continue the partnership. As the therapist already mentioned, working through it with a professional can help come to a decision both sides feel confident with.
Sabotaging a partner into having a child shouldn’t be the next step when communication fails
However, forcing or sabotaging a partner into having a child shouldn’t be the next step when communication fails, as it was for the boyfriend in this story. Such behavior interfering with contraception use and pregnancy is called reproductive coercion.
This term might be unfamiliar to some, as it’s often colloquially called a baby trap. It happens when a man or woman deliberately tries to have a baby without the other’s consent for all sorts of reasons. It might be an attempt to maintain the current relationship, seek control, or fulfill the desire to be a parent. This can be done by refusing to use contraception, lying about using a variant of birth control, tampering with it, or even pressuring, guilting, or shaming a partner about their decision on wanting or not wanting children.
As was mentioned by many commentators under redditor’s post, reproductive coercion can, at times, even be a form of physical abuse. If a woman becomes pregnant, the abuser might use the offspring to maintain power and control. For instance, the parent might be threatened that the child will be taken away if they aren’t doing what they’re told.
However, no one in this equation deserves to be treated this way, and healthcare providers are doing their best to provide support and resources to avoid this from happening. During annual health or prenatal exams, they ask questions related to mental health and intimate partner violence. Along with it, they also offer discreet and confidential methods of contraception, such as IUDs with shorter strings, birth control injections or implants, emergency contraception, or birth control pills in anonymous packaging.
People shared their shock in the comments, as well as some advice
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