Like slang, corporate jargon is driven by trends and evolves over time. For example, "bleeding edge" has basically replaced "cutting edge" to signify the latest innovation. So if someone wants to master it, they need to stay updated.

Content creator 'Professor Corporate' is here to help. He regularly translates English phrases for setting boundaries, telling off annoying bosses, and other useful situations into this intricate language, arming everyone with the essential linguistic tools for surviving in the office.

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#1

This is how you say I don't know who the f**k you think you're talking to, but you better stop talking to me like I'm stupid. But in corporate.

-I'm not totally clear on why you're sharing information that I'm already well aware of. So can you please elaborate?
-I appreciate the reminder. But have I given you any reason to suspect that I don't have a handle on things as I want to make sure there's no miscommunication?
-If you have any feedback for me, it's in both of our best interest for you to share it directly as I could help resolve any misunderstandings that you may have.

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#2

"Help me understand"

If somebody doesn’t know what the f**k they’re doing, are intentionally ignoring your instructions, you can say something like, ‘help me understand where the disconnect is’.

Or if you’re somebody that’s struggling to get a raise or promotion, you could say your manager ‘help me understand what exactly it’ll take me to get to the next level.’

Or if you know somebody is full of s**t, and you just don’t agree with them. You can say something like, 'help me understand your thought process here because now they actually have to explain their rationale. If there was any. You know, because good employees give people the benefit of the doubt.'

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#3

This is how you say sorry, I can't come to the phone right now or answer any of your messages because I'm on vacation, but in corporate.

-Hey, just as a reminder, I'm heading out on PTO next week. So if there's anything you need, please let me know now as I'll be fully off the grid.
-Hey, yeah, actually, I'm not going to be able to help with that. And I was just calling to say that I would greatly appreciate if you gave me the space to fully disconnect as intended. Otherwise, I just won't be able to operate at my best capacity upon my return. I appreciate your understanding in advance.

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#4

This is how you say I f*****g quit because you're a sh**ty manager, but in corporate.

-Fortunately, I've decided to pursue a new opportunity. While I've enjoyed most of my time here, I simply don't feel I've had adequate enough support from either yourself or other members of leadership. I wish we could have found a way to make this work, but I simply don't feel like there's been enough time and commitment put into my own growth and development.
-While I've decided to take on a new opportunity. I do want to give you feedback that your management style is one of the driving forces in my departure. So I highly encourage you to take that into account for the next person

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#5

This is how you say respectfully shut the f**k up. But in corporate.

-You seem to have quite a strong point of view for someone missing the necessary context.
-Your point of view is valued but now's not the time or place.
-If you're going to speak over me, please ensure that there's substance that you plan to offer as to not derail the conversation.

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#6

Here is how to say “keep my name out your f*****g mouth” at work in corporate.

-Hey, thanks for catching up. It's been brought to my attention that there's been a few side conversation where my name has been brought up, but I haven't been looped in. So I thought we'd have a conversation directly.
-Help me understand your point of view because the only way we're going to come to a resolution is if you speak with me directly.
-Moving forward, if you have any feedback about myself or the team, I would expect that you share it in the appropriate channels.

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#7

This is how you say respectfully, go f**k yourself, but in corporate.

-I'm sorry, it seems like we're getting off track and I want to make sure that we're making the most efficient use of everyone's time. So can you trim out the extra details and focus only on the primary points?
-Your opinion isn't one that's actively being sought after at this point in time, but we'll be sure to follow up should anything change.
-This requires a level of expertise that you're not adequately equipped with. So while I appreciate your desire to be involved, your systems won't be required at this time.

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#8

This is how you say Stop f*****g gossiping about me, but in corporate.

-I'm a bit confused why I'm a topic of conversation for you ,but if there's anything you'd like to learn more about my calendar is open.
-It doesn't bother me. But I do want to make sure that you understand that spreading narratives that are verifiably untrue is only going to reflect poorly on you.
-It's come to my attention that you're the source of feedback that's been circulating around me so I decided to book us a one on one so that we could address it directly in case you were too intimidated.

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#9

This is how you say when the f**k are you giving me a raise, but in corporate.

-Hey, thanks for catching up. I wanted to have a conversation to discuss my performance. As you know, career growth is something that's extremely important to me and I wanted to discuss a potential timeline and make sure that we were on the same page.
-While I appreciate the added responsibilities, I'd love to understand the bigger picture of how and when this will translate into a more formal opportunity either via a raise or a promotion.
-Hey, so it's been a while since we had our initial conversation around performance and since then, I've either met or surpassed all expectations, and I'd love to better understand how this will impact my compensation moving forward, if I'm gonna stay committed.

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#10

Here is how to say “I don’t get paid to do your f*cking job” at work in corporate.

-Love to continue helping but my bandwidth no longer permits it.
-I wish I could help, but I'm currently occupied with other obligations that I'm directly responsible for.
-Love to help but given this falls outside of my scope of responsibilities, I'd love to make sure that we follow this with a more formal conversation about how my role may evolve. This way we can make sure that I'm being fairly compensated for tasks like this moving forward.

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#11

This is how you say please stop micromanaging me, or else, but in corporate.

-If there's anything that's given you any indication that I need any additional supervision, please let me know so I can put your mind at ease.
-I appreciate your support, but I want to make sure that your time is better utilised. So feel free to roll off of this one.
- Huh, I guess I'm just a bit confused. I trust that when you hired me you understood that I was fully capable of handling this on my own. Unless of course you're questioning your own judgement.

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#12

This is how you say if you don't f****g know how to be a good manager, just say that, but in corporate.

-I'd be happy to jump on this. But since there hasn't been any formal training on this, do you mind walking me through it the first time, you know, this way I can model it after someone who knows what they're doing.
-I appreciate that you want to help but I don't actually need assistance on the task itself. But where I would need your support is to help unblock challenges that are outside of my control.
-It's important for me to understand that my manager is invested in my career growth and thus far I haven't felt adequate support on that front as we haven't had any career conversations. So moving forward, I'd like to ensure that this is something that we can prioritise.

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#13

This is how you say I can see right through you and you better stop being two faced, but in corporate.

-You seem to have multiple narratives depending on who you're speaking with, so help me understand the disconnect.
-In order to maintain credibility with me, you're going to need to ensure that your point of view isn't as fragile as it currently stands.
-You seem to have the habit of sharing information we've discussed in confidence with others, which is typically a sign of someone that is intellectually intimidated and I apologise for that. It won't happen again.

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#14

This is how to say I don't know who the f**k you think you're talking to, but you're going to stop talking down to me, but in corporate.

-Sure, I'd be happy to take a look, but I'm not gonna be able to drop what I'm doing currently. So why don't you go ahead and find some time on my calendar.
-I appreciate your point of view. But your experience doesn't quite translate to what we're working on.
-I respect that you've been here for a while. But the whole reason we're in this predicament in the first place is because we haven't had space for new ideas. So please allow others to speak as you've had ample opportunity.

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#15

This is how you say sorry, but I'm not your f****g friend, but in corporate.

-So I'm not quite sure where the disconnect is, but our relationship outside of these walls is non existent.
-Yeah, it's just that in order for me to be most effective here, it's important that we keep our relationship professional at all times, though we can revisit at some point in the future.
-I appreciate you sharing, I really do, but these are conversations that you should only feel comfortable sharing with friends or family, neither of which colleagues such as myself, fall under.

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#16

This is not to say with all I do around here, you would think you'd f****g appreciate me a little more, but in corporate.

-Yeah, of course I'd be happy to help. But before we do that, let's make sure that we prioritise a conversation around how this aligns with my career growth.
-Could you help me understand whether the projects I'm currently working on are impactful? I only ask because I haven't felt like there's been much recognition and I want to make sure I understand where that's coming from.
-Please don't mistake my willingness to take on more as a reflection of my own wants as if there isn't proper acknowledgement moving forward, I will have to adjust accordingly.

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#17

This is how you say you better watch your f*****g tone when you talk to me, but in corporate.

-Help me understand what you wish to accomplish by raising your voice.
-I understand that you believe you're correct but simply asserting so doesn't make it so.
-If you want to be taken seriously please check your emotions at the door and then we can resume.

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#18

This is how you say you better f****g stop trying to make me look bad before we have a problem, but in corporate.

-There's been multiple occasions now where you've decided to speak out of turn and I'd appreciate if you gave me the respect and space to speak uninterrupted.
-If your plan is to continue to interject and make sure that your point of view isn't just based on your feelings and is backed by facts.
-I hate to be the one to inform you but your attempts to publicly criticise me won't overcompensate for your lack of abilities.

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#19

This is how you say you better stop trying to throw me under the bus because you might get run over first, but in corporate.

-Before we jump into feedback, why don't we recap everyone's roles and responsibilities. This way we can accurately allocate said feedback.
-Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to work with you moving forward, but I'd be happy to reconsider as soon as you acknowledge and take ownership of your shortcomings.
-No, it's totally understandable that you're afraid of taking accountability as a typically requires a level of maturity only obtained at more senior levels. And if it wasn't already as obvious to the team, I might be a bit more concerned, but at this stage, I'm more concerned about your reputation.

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#20

This is how you say Stop f**king with me because I promise you're gonna regret it, in corporate.

-I couldn't help but notice that you've been distributing work that you're responsible for. And while I'd love to help, we're going to have to realign.
-You seem to be under the impression that because I'm new, I want to voice my opinion and I'd be more than happy to correct that misconception.
-Sharing your feedback publicly before coming to me directly shows an inability on your end to handle conflict, which is a common problem for more junior employees and I'd be more than happy to work with you on this area of development.

Image credits: askthatrecruiter